Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
