He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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