You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Randomize
