I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
