He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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