There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
