I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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