Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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