Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
