this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Randomize
