my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
