They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
