ADVERTISEMENT

• (519): View more from Ontario

  she's naming her girl london marie

  (519): View more from Ontario

  that kid will be born with a tramp stamp

  Fav 21 1247 3233

  share tweet
  

• (910): View more from North Carolina

  Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.

  Fav 26 8532 1713

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (616): View more from Michigan

  Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.

  Fav 16 1319 4864

  share tweet
  

• (714): View more from California

  My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin

  Fav 10 2162 1044

  share tweet
  

• (979): View more from Texas

  We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.

  Fav 9 2482 1069

  share tweet
  

• (605): View more from South Dakota

  Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.

  Fav 3 1853 830

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (847): View more from Illinois

  I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.

  Fav 9 1193 731

  share tweet
  

• (678): View more from Georgia

  After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".

  Fav 5 1806 794

  share tweet
  

• (908): View more from New Jersey

  I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.

  Fav 3 1122 507

  share tweet
  

• (901): View more from Tennessee

  Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.

  Fav 4 848 600

  share tweet
  

• (248): View more from Michigan

  Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied

  Fav 2 793 429

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (602): View more from Arizona

  It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.

  Fav 1 486 411

  share tweet
  

• (980): View more from North Carolina

  good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend

  Fav 5 283 818

  share tweet
  

• (775): View more from Nevada

  Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!

  Fav 5 528 199

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (310): View more from California

  get your sex hands out of my capn crunch

  Fav 1 293 136

  share tweet
  

Randomize