I want to have your abortion
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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