How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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