I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
