I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
