Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Randomize
