i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Randomize
