He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Boobs are out for the taking
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
