Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
