I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
