i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
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