I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Randomize
