go do what you do best...puke behind churches
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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