i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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