If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
