you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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