just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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