If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Randomize
