I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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