Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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