Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Randomize
