The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
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