then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
