So drunk, too bad you don't want this
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
