I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
