maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
