...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
