Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
