my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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