YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
He shit in the fireplace
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
