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Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
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