Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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