i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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