im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
4 words: hood of his car
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
