At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
