The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
