Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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