if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Randomize
